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September 5th, 2006

09:34 pm - OMFG

what an amazing human.

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12:21 am - 1 boi, 1 grrrrl (emphasis on grrrrr)

this is clyde.

this is daisy.

i have lived with daisy for 13 years. that's a long time. she growls at her brothers a lot.

what i do not like about the digital camera is the lag time between when i push the button and when the shutter trips. it's weird. and i'm not so good at taking focused images, either, if that is what i care about. all in all, i am not sure i'm cut out for digital as an art form. i am too in love with my old fashioned film cameras. 'course these are just pix of my kitties. on thursday i have a shoot with tao_de_soma. i think i will bring both digital and film. and 35 and medium format.

it's been awhile since i went on a shoot!

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September 4th, 2006

11:40 pm - GANKED!
from tao_de_soma TOTALLY FUN!


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09:13 am - really stupid annoying shit with stupid annoying humans
ok. i'd save the drama for my momma, but she doesn't fucking want it.
what's left to do with it?
AH!! I KNOW!! LJ!!!!!
i mean, that's what lj's for, right?

last weekend...sunday, to be precise...
oh what the hell...let's start with saturday.

well, i had a date with james smith. i like james smith. i have thought from time to time that he would make a good BF (that's Boi Friend...get yer mind out of the gutter!!) i've never been too sure of that, tho, for the following reasons:

1. he's masculine and i tend to prefer feminine, bespectacled, intellectual geeks. you know, the college professor type.
2. he's broken. meaning, i think somebody dipped this dude in freon.

he has MANY good qualitites, tho. so whenever we spend time together, i go back to wondering about the BF-thing.

we already had a plan. he was going to show up with an arm-load of vegetables, i was going to provide the shrimp, the rice and the cooking skills. and we were going to make a great supper and then watch fight club.

i wanted this to be a really perfect night. perfect and seamless and FUN. i decided we were going to take my imac outside and pretend we were at a drive-in. to this end, i went down to the local video store to get the DVD. only...
they didn't have one. so i rented the tape.
and decided i HAD to have a DVD...so i went to a video store a little further away. they didn't have one, either.
so i went to ANOTHER video store, and yes they did have it.

i bought a pound of shrimp.
and fancy rootbeer in the bottle, cause i knew he'd drink it.
i cleaned my house from ceiling to floor.
i even took a shower and washed my hair.

he is always exactly 30 minutes late. so at 6:30 he wanders in with the vegetables. and, and it WAS a seamlessly perfect night. we had fun. after fight club we watched a short by takahashi miike. and then we played with the photobooth on my imac. he was hesitant at first. -he's bad at PLAYING. but the photobooth has distortional effects and he really got into it...i mean, dang dude -i actually have images where he's smiling.

ok. that's the synopsis. he left at 2 AM. and i was pretty wound up. i think i went on line and played pacman for about 30 minutes. then i went to bed and read. finally at 3 AM i decided to turn out the damn light and try to sleep even tho i wasn't tired.

3:30 -urg
4:00 -double urg
5:00 -i get up and take a double dose of valerian.
5:30- urg
6:00- i finally decide to get up, with absolutely NO SLEEP-not even a second's worth. i go to the computer to work on my images. at about 8:45 i realize, "hot shit!!!!! i am FINALLY TIRED!!" and i quickly scoot off to bed.

ok. good for you! so what's the issue?
the issue is that james smith and john black were coming at 10:00 AM to work on the cob bench.
my phone rang at 10. john. say's he's going to be late. (hey thanks for the call, dude.) 10:30 i hear james smith in my front yard...he's calling me on his cell.

so yeah.
i got AN HOUR AND 15 MINUTES OF SLEEP. no one (perhaps not even i) will remember the post i made about a year ago about my camping trip with nyodene_d. until saturday, he was the only person in the universe who knew how bad it was to be with me when i don't have sleep.

i get seriously weird. emotionally unbalanced....and i can't figure shit out.


11:00 -john black finally shows up. the 3 of us sit around the table being social -drinking coffee- easing into a day of work.
11:30 -john decides he's hungry. i fix him a 4-egg open faced sandwich with fresh tomato and avocado.
12:00 -john decides he doesn't want to work...we should work on a day where there's "more time". I GET MAD. and tell him, "NO!!!! we're working on this toDAY, john. i've had my front porch wrapped in plastic for a fucking YEAR. all that's left is the cob ceiling (which i didn't even want...it was his idea!!!) sooo...
12:30 -we're outside preparing to work. and james smith wants to know if there's any shrimp left over, he's hungry. i go in and make him food.
1:00 -now everyone except me is fed and we're all out there trying to work.
john says, "smith, i need a sprayer; this one's broken"
only, i'm DONE scampering. "so go get one, dude. i'm not leaving here."
i begin to apply stain to the bench.
i've never worked in this medium before. it looks completely different dry than it does wet. i have no idea what it will look like oiled. i have a limited amount of color. it looks like shit, i think. out of the corner of my eye, i see john and james talking under their breath -sort of whispering to each other. then john comes over and says,
"smith, how would you feel if we decided not to do the ceiling?"
"actually, john, I NEVER WANTED THE FUCKING CEILING...it was your idea and you forced it on me. when i asked you a couple of months ago if we could take the lath off and quit the ceiling you told me "NO!!" the reason you gave me was because removing the glued slats would destroy the plywood."
"it'll be fine, smith."
"whatever, then. take it down."

he takes it down.

yup, my ceiling looks like total SHIT. the paint is off, the wood is out in huge chunks, splintered here and there. the cobbed posts don't go the the ceiling; they go to where the lath went, so now that looks like shit, too.

i'm sitting.
i'm staring at my poor destroyed ceiling.
i feel utterly defeated. i am TIRED. i haven't eaten. the stain looks terrible. my ceiling is destroyed. i say to john, "WTF, john?? that looks TERRIBLE."
"what are you talking about, smith?"
"my ceiling, john, it's destroyed. how are you going to fix it?"
"ah, no big dealio, girly-girl...a little spit, a little chewing gum, everything'll be just fiiiine."
james starts laughing.
they are now a gang of two. and both of them think my distress is hilarious. nothing could be funnier. and they start joking around about leaving like that for its "earthy" qualities...etc.
maybe i would have found it funny under well-rested conditions. but i didn't find it funny at the time. i kept trying to get answers out of john. all he would do is tease me. in the meantime, i'm just ready not to be living behind plastic...a year of that's enough. finally, i couldn't take it anymore. i asked ONE. MORE. TIME. they continued to laugh at me.
so i got up and said,
"i'm done."
and i walked into the house, closed and locked the door. went to the back, closed and locked THAT door. and laid down in bed to chill out.
john knocked several times on the door. i did not answer.
he called on his cell phone. i didn't answer that either. he finally left in a huff. and james was alone, cleaning the mess on my porch.

i got up and put his things outside.
silently, i began reapplying stain to the bench.
james comes up to me and says, "are you ok?"
i say, "no. i'm upset."
he says, "ok." AND HE LEAVES!!!!

is that one fucking weird response? i think it is!! i called him on friday to clear things up. he did not want to talk...HE'S mad at ME!!!!!!! said he was going to write me a letter over the weekend because he was afraid i wouldn't be able to hear him. today is monday. the weekend is over.
in the meantime, i've written him. and i'm delivering the letterS today. to his doorstep.
happy birthday, dude. have a letter or two.

Current Mood: annoyedannoyed

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September 1st, 2006

11:30 am
last night -3AM.

and i'm cobbing. only my cob structure isn't on my house; it's on a huge hill, and the cob structure is somehow about safety. there are train tracks at the bottom of the hill that encircle it completely. to be honest, i'm not sure the train tracks go anywhere...it is a giant ouroburos -the boundary of my universe.
two dimensional mobius strip.

my job: to secure the future of the hill. and i realize it's not just a cob structure. it's a bomb shelter and a healing entity.
and i'm massaging oil and beeswax into its skin...making it strong, weatherproof.
i step back to gaze upon it.
and my foot slips.
i look down and realize that the hill itself is corroding...my solid structure is built upon a decomposing mound. and in order to protect the protector, i have to also maintain the whole fucking hill.
the hill is soooooooooooo big.

here it is from the real mccoy from the outside. the section on the right is completely stained, the other side is only half stained... but unoiled. the oil darkens it considerably.

Current Mood: tiredtired, even after 10 hrs sleep

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August 30th, 2006

02:20 am - WHAT IS THIS?????

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August 29th, 2006

11:16 pm
today, clairenolen and nicolachampagne posted lengthy tidbits about keeping a weblog. how personal is too personal? and what purpose does this serve?

i began my weblog just over 2 years ago. and what i do here has changed A LOT. there was a time when no one knew that i had one and i said pretty much anything i wanted. since gaining friends here, i try to keep things "palatable"?? i don't cuss as much as i would; i don't say quite the same things. i'm aware that others can and do read it. and in my opinion it has lost a little bit of its personal edge because of its public nature. things i would have written about in my journal if it had been private:

1. i met terry toedtemeier at my portfolio review. he is the portland art museum's curator of photography. and he seems interested in doing something with my dammasch images. partly, i'm afraid of jinxing it by making it pubic!!! but also, if he disappears into thin air and nothing happens, i am a public failure! gosh, that sounds so ridiculous...but there's truth in it.

2. the other day i got into a huge-o fight with john black and james smith...in past times i would have written about that. now it seems too personal.

back when i needed to vent about teal, i started a new journal that no one can see...not even mia.
but i'm not so interested in it; my history is here. when i first started my lj, i wrote this about the act of blogging:

i am a consumer.
an addict.
yep. unfortunate, but true. and just as unfortunate, OR NOT, i love things, all things in QUANTITY.
my house is jammed with shit i have collected over years. i have boxes of plugs drilled from whiskey casks, i have about 50 amoeboid pieces of plywood, painted red --some of those are nailed to my living room ceiling. i have books out of the wazoo, some inside the house, some stored in the garage...i have photos scatch-taped onto every bit of my refrigerator. it pleases me to see all this shit, en toto, all orchestrated into a visual whole. my home feels good just because all my shit is sitting in just the right place!!

diaries are also about the glories of accretion, somehow... and i keep two of them. one is in the form of a collection of books that i have made by hand. i love these books; they are sensual beings. i love looking at them together on the shelf. i love touching the beautiful pages, some written upon, some painted upon, some with drawings, some with bits of my hair &/or fingernail crescents attached (sewn) to the pages. there is a physical lusciousness about them, they are full of secrets. some gossip. they smell! (like beeswax, patchouli, incense) there is stuff in there i would really CARE about others not seeing. i also use these to fabricate a history. some of what i write there is true. some of what i write there is fiction. i'm banking on an interesting career as a faltering octogenarian...what i forget i may read about in my self-generated history. and by the time i'm crusty and finished, i will forget what was "true" and what was fabricated, and my dumb little hum-drum life will seem fascinating because of all the shit i made up.

my other "diary" is this weblog-thing. i first became aware of weblogs when my webSITE began getting hits from strangers' weblogs. this interested me and i looked around at people's weblogs...what were they were DOING with them? some of them were interesting but mostly they were completely stupid and i could NOT figure out why people would post all this shit on line, why they would accumulte lengthy "friends" lists, why they would go on line to say things like, "i'm bored." this made no sense to me. i also ended up google-ing "weblogs" and discovered this HILARIOUS webpage entitled, "why i hate weblogs" which i just went back to look at today.

so what IS up with my newfound interest in this weblog? well, here is why it is valuable to me at this point:

1. i can post and gaze upon images (my photos) that i would NEVER deem worthy of being included in my website gallery.

2. i can create visual adjacencies.
2a: example: the previous entry where i posted the starns' "triple christ" (a scan from a book) adjacent to the wilson's on-line image.
2b: example: the two versions of my OWN work that i got opions on from friends & family. if i only put them up on my server, people would not be able to see them side by side.

3. i am learning html! in order to do this, i have had to learn how to post images, (how to upload them to the server and then direct them to my weblog) i have learned how to link to other sites, how to center, bold, italicize. this is probably laughable to a skilled computer geek. but to a "normie" like me, it's KEWL!!

4. this is yet another way to wallow in the luxury of accretion. it is truly fun for me to look at the history of my own mental meanderings. i have no "friends." i have no delusion that anybody gives a shit about this but ME. but i, myself, really do.

so i don't know if there is a solution. or maybe the solution is to keep my paper journal up to date and go back to enjoying that for the personal stuff. i like this, tho. i like the speed of it./ and to be honest, mostly i really love the input of the people here.


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12:45 pm

me N levi

me N james smith

you can tell just by looking at the images who i have a more comfortable relationship with. images say sooooooo much.
Current Mood: busybusy

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August 25th, 2006

02:19 am - WOOOO HOOOOOO
I'M FINALLY DONE CLEANING MY 40 DAMMASCH SCANS for the first book project!! fiiiiiinally.

this image was a hole in the wall. we think there was an autoclave in it.

Current Mood: enthralleddelighted

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August 24th, 2006

12:48 pm - playing the game...
i got tagged by nicolachampagne

"Once tagged by this entry, the assignment is to write a blog entry of some kind with six random facts about yourself. Then, pick six of your friends and tag them; no tag backs. This explanation should be included."

random factoids:

1. i over-estimate the people i love, and under-estimate the people i don't.

2. i am hard to offend.

3. i save my fingernail clippings; kinda like david cronenber's version of "the fly", i save every body-thing that falls off, so far nothing too gross!!!!

4. my very first drink was a third of a fifth of ron rico rum; i was 15.

5. i love things that are TANGLED -both physically and metaphorically.

6. aaaaand, i am in love with judge judy!!

who shall i tag? nyodene_d (who i know is out of town), pondhopper, ohmiee, belimah, jj_maccrimmon

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